<off-topic> but it tickles

[Nancy Premer]

here 'tis

 The long awaited 1999 Darwin "Natural
> Selection" Awards have been  released!  These awards are given
> each year to bestow upon (the remains of) that  individual, who
> through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to
> remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool.
>
> Ladies And Gentlemen... (drum roll... and
> envelope please)...We proudly  present the 1999 "Natural Selection"
> awards:...
>
> 5th runner-up: Goes to a San Anselmo,
> California man who died when he  hit a lift tower at the
> Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the  slope on a foam
> pad. 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at  Central Mammoth
> Hospital.  The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono
> County Sheriff's  Department said.
> Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run  called
> Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers,
>   said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department.  The
> pads  are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group
> apparently used  the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal
> crashed into a tower. It  has since been investigated and
> determined the tower he hit was the one  with its pad removed.
>
> 4th Runner-up: Goes to Robert Puelo, 32,
> was apparently being  disorderly in a St. Louis market.  When the
> clerk threatened to call the  police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog,
> shoved it into his mouth and walked out  without paying. Police
> found him unconscious in front of the store.  Paramedics removed the
> six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked  him to
> death.
>
> 3rd Runner-up: Goes to poacher Marino
> Malerba of Spain, who shot a  stag standing above him on an
> overhanging rock and was killed instantly  when it fell on him.
>
> 2nd Runner-up: "Man loses face at party".
> A man at a West Virginia party (probably related to the man in
> Arkansas who used the 22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pick-up
> truck) popped a blasting cap into his  mouth and bit down,
> triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth,  and
> tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a
> prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne.
> "Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was
> trying to explode  it", said Payne.  "It wouldn't go off and this
> guy said I'll show you how  to set it off." "He put it into his
> mouth and bit down.  It blew all his  teeth out and his lips and
> tongue off", Payne said. Stromyer was listed in  guarded
> condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a
>   spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't
> imagine  anyone doing something like that" Payne said.
>
> 1st Runner-up: Doctors at Portland
> University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the skull
> by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and  will be released soon
> from the hospital.  Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last
> weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain
>   Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in
>   Grant's Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his
> head, but  the arrow entered Robert's right eye.  Doctors said
> that had the arrow  gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood
> vessel would have been cut  and  Roberts would have died instantly.
>   Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in
> Portland  said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain
> with the tip  protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow
> managed to miss all major  blood vessels.  Delashaw also said
> that had Roberts tried to pull the  arrow out on his own he surely
> would have killed himself.  Roberts admitted afterwards he and his
> friends had been drinking that afternoon.  Said Roberts, "I feel so
> dumb about this".  No charges have been filed, but the Josephine
> County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is
> under investigation.
>
>
> Now this year's winners: (The late) John
> Pernicky and his friend, (the  late) Sal Hawkins, of the great
> state of Washington, decided to attend a  local Metallica concert
> at the George Washington  amphitheater. Having no  tickets (but
> having had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be
> easy to "hop" over  the nine foot fence
> and sneak into the show. They pulled their pick-up  truck over to
> the fence and the plan was for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, who
> was 100-pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins, to hop the fence and then
> assist  his friend over.  Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky,
> there was a  30-foot drop on the other side of the fence.    Having
> heaved himself  over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His
> fall was abruptly  halted (and broken, along with his arm, as it
> were) by a large branch that  snagged him by his shorts.
> Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw
> some bushes below him.  Possibly figuring the bushes  would break
> his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut  away his
> shorts to free himself from the tree.  Finally free, (did I mention
> that he is THE LATE) Mr. Pernicky crashed into  Holly bushes. The
> sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now, to add  injury to
> insult, a holly branch penetrated his rectum.  To make matters
> worse (?!), on landing, his pocketknife penetrated his thigh 3 inches.
>
> (The late) Mr. Hawkins, on seeing his friend
> in considerable pain and  agony, decided to throw him a
> rope and pull him to safety (now he thinks of
> the "S" word) by tying the  rope to the pick-up truck and slowly
> driving away.  However, in his drunken haste/state, he put the
> truck into reverse and crashed through the  fence landing on
> his friend and killing him. Police arrived to find the crashed
> pick-up with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at
>   the scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the truck,
> they  found John under it, half-naked scratches on his body, a holly
> stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling
> from a tree  branch 25-feet in the air.
>
> Congratulations gentlemen, you win...
>
>

                                                                               
                                                                               
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